


Memories

by Woollycas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Feelings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Kissing, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Canon Fix-It, The Empty (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27780853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woollycas/pseuds/Woollycas
Summary: With Chuck gone and the world back in order, Dean struggles with losing Cas. Sam, Eileen, Jack, and Dean devise a way to save him from the Empty.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 105





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is a post season 15 episode 19 fix-it story. Episode 20 never happened. I needed to get my own idea of what might have been out into this world.

Jack did it. As he stands in the street, watching the people around them, laugh and talk and smile, Dean can’t help but feel a burst of elated joy for the first time in a long while. The kid saved the world. They are free.

“Are you going to come back with us to the bunker?” Sam wonders.

“What do you mean, of course he’s going to come back to the bunker. He’s the man with the plan, he’s top dog, he can do whatever he wants now. C’mon.” Dean starts walking to his car. They can celebrate. Maybe he’ll make Jack another cake.

“I’d like that, Sam. I…I don’t know how long I can stay, but I’d like to come home for a bit.”

Dean looks back to watch his brother smile at Jack. It’s a smile full of reservation though, and Dean tracks Sam’s eyes to the side of the street. Eileen’s car is parked on the corner.

“Jack, do you know where Eileen is?” Sam is quiet, almost mournful with his question.

“She’s at her home, Sam. You should go to her. Find her. She’s wondering about you as well.” Jack smiles, urging Sam forward.

“Go find her, Sam. The kid and I will head back to the bunker. Meet up with us when you can.” Dean fiddles with the ring on his keys, the sudden realization of all they had almost lost making his breath hitch a tiny bit.

The realization of everything he lost bubbles to the surface.

_You changed me, Dean._

He can’t think about that —not now, not ever. He looks at his brother, and points at the car.

“Go. Seriously, be happy. We get to have that now.” He smiles at Sam, reassuring him.

“Yeah, okay, uh, we’ll catch up with you guys soon,” Sam responds. He looks at Dean once more, almost ready to say something else. Dean clenches his jaw and Sam averts his eyes and clears his throat. He looks at Jack one more time before jogging away.

Dean also looks around one more time at all the people, and opens his door to the Impala.

“C’mon, kid. Let’s go home.”

____

They take off for the bunker. At first, music from the radio fills the silence. Dean fiddles with the stations until Bob Seger’s soulful voice fills the interior of the car.

Dean glances sideways at Jack on occasion along the way. He’s still Jack, but very, very different. He’s still their kid who learned how to blow bubbles just two weeks ago. But he’s God. A sense of unease slowly creeps into Dean’s thoughts the longer they drive. Eventually he shifts in his seat and flips the radio off. He glances at Jack and frowns slightly. He needs to clear the air.

“You good, Jack?” He pauses to lick his lips, and continues. “You know, with this whole God thing?”

“I’m fine, Dean. I’m…different, but I’m still me. I don’t think I can explain it fully. I’m sorry. Just know that I’m good.”

“Yeah, okay.” Dean’s mind races. What is he supposed to do? Treat him the same? He’s just a kid, but Dean could tell one off-color joke and Jack could snap his fingers, and Dean would pouf out of this world in a heartbeat. Dean swallows and grips the steering wheel tighter.

“Jack, you did good, y’know? You...you saved the world. I’ve been in a bad place for a long while, and well, I —I’m sorry. I was spiraling pretty bad. I think a lot of my anger and confusion was misdirected at you, and you didn’t really deserve it.”

“Dean, it’s okay.”

Dean glances at Jack again. He’s looking down at his open palms. He looks up at Dean then, meeting his eyes.

“I’m truly sorry about your mother. I could bring her back for you, but I don’t think that’s something you need. She’s at peace.”

Dean hadn’t thought about Jack bringing Mary back. A sharp pain stabs him, and tears prickle the corners of his eyes. He knows what Amara did now, and while he’s yet to have any time to process things, Jack is right. Dean aches with the knowledge.

“Yeah, I get that. I guess I want things good between us. I already had one pissed off God in my lifetime. I don’t think I can handle another.”

Dean watches a wry smile cross Jack’s face as his fingers trace a seam in the Impala’s front bench.

“Dean, you’ve had a life more extraordinary than anyone. You’re entitled to your anger and your hurt. We’re good though. We’re family. We’ll always be a family.”

A hollow silence follows those words. Dean stares at the road ahead while the Impala eats up the miles towards home. He doesn’t want to think about how they became a family. He doesn’t want to think about how their family isn’t complete. It’ll never be complete again.

_Why does this sound like a goodbye?  
Because it is._

His stomach twists and he focuses on the passing mile markers. Cas saved him. He saved the whole world from Billie. He sacrificed himself for love. All those years and moments, all the maybes and what ifs that floated through Dean’s mind over the years drift through his mind now. Everything. Chuck had no control over Cas. And Cas still loved him. How was he supposed to know an angel could feel that deeply? Dean rubs the steering wheel and shifts around, physically trying to distract himself from his own thoughts.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jack’s voice is quiet, knowing.

Dean mentally curses himself. He’s sitting next to God.

“I, uh, C—Cas…can you sense him at all?” Dean’s voice warbles with emotion.

“No.”

It’s simple. It’s heartbreaking. Dean lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and focuses everything he has on the road ahead.

He decides to go for it. Ask the one thing he really wants. He deserves a win after everything. He knows this now.

“Can you bring him back?”

“I don’t have control of the Empty, Dean. It’s different now that I’m God.”

“Right. It was dumb of me to ask.”

He flips the radio back on, ending their conversation. He drives them home.

____

It’s late when they get back to the bunker, and Dean’s exhausted. He heads to his room to drop off his bag and wanders back to the library for a much needed night cap. Jack is in the corner reading a book in one of the leather chairs. Dean still can’t wrap his head around the change in Jack. He seems otherworldly now, which Dean surmises he is. It’s like he’s floating above the world while still very much moving among it.

He stops at the cabinet with all their booze and reaches for a half empty bottle of whiskey. He makes a promise to himself that he won’t drink the entire contents —just enough to relax and forget the regrets lurking in the back of his mind. He looks over at Jack after pouring a glass.

“You want one?” he asks.

“No, thank you.” Jack looks at Dean briefly before going back to reading his book.

“What are you reading? Don’t you, you know,” Dean pauses, and swirls his finger around the side of his head, “Know everything now?”

“It’s not like that, Dean. Chuck did so many things wrong, but the one thing he did right was give people curiosity and wonder about their world. I suppose I could just make myself know things, but I don’t think that’s right. I learned how to research from you, Sam, and Cas. I still have curiosity and this brings me joy.”

“Hmm, okay,” Dean grunts, and takes a sip of his drink.

He thinks about taking his drink back to his room but decides to sit at one of the library tables instead. It feels lonelier in the bunker than usual. He stares at his drink.

He thinks. He listens to Jack slowly turn the pages of his book.

“Jack, how did Chuck bring Lucifer back?”

He turns and looks at the boy. Jack looks up and slowly closes his book.

“Do you really want to know, Dean? I can tell you. I can tell you everything. Will that bring you comfort?” Jack asks.

Dean hesitates. He does want to know. If there’s a way —if he could somehow —he needs to know. What if knowing just makes this pain worse?

“Tell me.” He practically whispers.

“I have no control of the Empty. But that doesn’t mean I can’t access it. I can open a portal. Chuck could open a portal. He did that for Lucifer,” Jack explains.

“But how did Lucifer know he could leave, or whatever?”

“Nick woke Lucifer. He had manifested his own portal, before I killed him. He woke Lucifer but I closed the portal. Lucifer was more than likely awake, waiting for a chance to leave. When Chuck gave him the chance, he took it.”

“Okay,” Dean says, but his mind is already racing five steps ahead.

If a portal can be opened, an angel can leave. Why couldn’t Cas just leave if Jack opens the portal? He’s frigging God. This shouldn’t be so hard.

He takes another drink and gets up from his chair striding closer to Jack.

“So, let’s open the portal. Do what Chuck did for Lucifer.” He’s getting excited. Why was Jack thinking this was impossible. The answer is so simple.

“Dean, I want Castiel back as much as you do.” He pauses, and tilts his head. “Cas is asleep in the Empty. I can make a portal, but it does no good if he’s still asleep. There’s no way to wake him. There’s no way I can bring him back.”

Dean starts pacing. He rubs his hands over his face, firmly denying the reality of Jack’s words. He turns and points at Jack.

“You! You woke him up once before. You can do it again!” He could hear the desperation creep into his voice.

“I can’t. Not anymore.”

Dean looks at Jack, and sits back down in his chair. The desperate mania is still coursing through him, even if Jack’s words feel like a splash of cold water. He swallows the rest of his drink and pours a second glass. He drinks it in one gulp.

“I’m sorry, Dean. I see what this is doing to you. I wish I could ease the pain. I didn’t understand before. Watching the two of you, I only saw you from a child’s perspective. You, Sam, and Cas were brothers. But it’s different for you and Castiel.”

Dean flushes, and pours another couple fingers of liquor for him to nurse. He feels the hope slipping away, and his eyes well with tears. Dean doesn’t look at Jack.

“Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter.”

_I love you._

It matters. It matters so much that Dean’s heart is aching and his mind is reeling knowing that they are so close, but nothing can bring him back. He looks daggers into the drink in front of him, ignoring the eerie presence of Jack behind him.

The creak of the bunker door shakes him out of his state and he looks up to watch his brother and Eileen walk through the door.

“Hey, we, uh, we thought we’d come back here tonight.” Sam announces, as they wander down the wrought iron stairs.

Dean blinks hard, and presses his thumb and forefinger into his eyelids. He clears his throat and moves to stand up. Sam and Eileen set their stuff down in the library.

“Hey! Eileen, it’s good to see you.” He gets up and gives Eileen a hug. He gets a glimpse of Sam’s curious face when he pulls back, but turns to grab his drink to avoid any pointed reaction from his brother.

“Is everything alright?” Eileen asks.

Dean waves her off. She just came back from nothing. She does not need his baggage.

“Dean?” Sam asks, echoing Eileen’s concern.

“It’s nothing. It’s been a long day. Right?”

“Yeah, I guess. Are you…what’s going on, Dean? Jack, are things okay?”

Dean slumps back into his chair and fiddles with his glass. He wants to tell Sam, but what’s the point? They’re free and Sam has the rest of his life to be happy with Eileen. He doesn’t need the burden of Dean’s regrets weighing on him.

“Sam, I don’t think things are okay, right now. Grief is a healing process.”

There’s a silence after Jack’s words. Dean doesn’t look up but imagines Sam and Eileen gesturing to each other. There’s a movement and Sam settles into a chair opposite Dean at the table. He leans forward to look Dean in the eye.

“This is about Cas, isn’t it? Dean, don’t think for a moment I don’t know what this is doing to you. We’ve been down this road before. We’ll find a way to get him back.” Sam’s reassurances are empty to Dean’s ears.

“How?” Dean’s voice is almost inaudible.

“I don’t know, but we’ll find a way. We always do.”

Dean huffs and looks down at his empty glass. The liquor is doing its job, and nicely. He feels warm and relaxed.

“He told me he loved me. Before he …went away,” he confesses. He huffs out a small laugh and continues to stare at his drink, unable to meet Sam’s eyes.

“I—I didn’t get to tell him I…” Dean chokes, unable to continue.

Sam reaches out and grazes Dean’s hand.

“Hey, I know. You think I could stand being around the two of you for all these years and not realize what two dumbasses in love look like?” Sam says, smiling.

“Sam, stop.” Dean rolls his eyes at his brother, and Sam just gives him a smirk in return.

He can’t even say the words and just knowing Sam noticed is like coming out of a long, dark tunnel into fresh daylight. For all the good it does.

“I won’t.” Sam teases, and Dean finally looks up at him. “And we won’t stop until we find a way to get him back.”

Dean truly appreciates Sam’s words, even knowing they’re empty assurances.

“I’m going to hit the hay.”

“Okay, ‘night, Dean.”

Dean signs goodnight to Eileen and glances at Jack. He’s reading his book again, seemingly ignoring everything that just happened. Dean blinks and decides to ignore Jack, and heads to bed.

____

His sleep is troubled. He dreams of sad, blue eyes and black chaos. He dreams of empty silence and nebulous wishes just out of reach. He wakes tired, eyes sandy and mouth dry. He lays in bed awake for an eternity, an arm draped across his face. He breaths. He’s free, but what now? Sam’s promise is unattainable. A normal life feels like a hopeless dream.

He finally manages to sit up, still bleary eyed, but awake enough to manage thinking about the walk to the kitchen, and coffee. There’s a knock at his door before he can place his feet on the ground.

“Uh, yeah.” His voice cracks, and he looks around for a glass of something, but there’s only empty beer bottles.

Sam enters. He’s wide awake, refreshed, and Dean feels a pang of jealousy in his gut but brushes it aside.

“Dean, I, uh, didn’t want to wait any longer. Eileen found a way.”

“What?” Dean’s still in warm-up mode. Way for what?

“To bring him back.”

“How?” he asks, despite his heart waving every red flag in warning to stop this fruitless endeavor.

“We go to the Empty. We find Cas. We bring him back.” It sounds too simple. It sounds stupid, Dean thinks.

“I think that might be the dumbest thing you’ve ever said, Sam.”

Sam clears his throat and looks pointedly at Dean.

“Come to the library, let us show you. Jack can open a portal, but can’t enter. We know that nephilim can enter, which means souls can enter. Eileen remembers reading something in the library about...” Sam pauses, and Dean stops rubbing his eyes to look at his brother. “Just get up. Trust me.”

So Dean does. He throws on his robe and stumbles his way into the library. Eileen and Jack are already there. There’s books and coffee cups strewn across the tables. They appear to have been working all night.

And Dean listens to the three of them explain the plan. Jack makes it clear that it’s a risky endeavor. He cannot rescue them. He cannot guarantee that the Empty is stable for humans without the necessary angel grace to enter. It is an infinite, hollow wasteland. Finding Cas might be impossible. The more Jack speaks of the hindrances and the impossibility of it all, the more hope Dean feels. They can do this. They’ve done crazy before. Even if Chuck was guiding the gun to the mark, he wasn’t pulling the trigger. They can make these choices now, fully. He wants to save Cas. His stomach twists just thinking about it.

“Okay, fine, let’s do this,” Dean says, as his eyes shift, staring at nothing, and his mind races over the insurmountable planning ahead of them.

They gather supplies, weapons, anything useful they can use. Dean scoffs at every turn because they don’t know what they’re walking into and they can’t plan for a single thing. It’s empty, and maybe that’s the scariest part. They could wander forever and never find Cas. In the end, the three of them pack what makes the most sense. Dean resigns himself to his fate.

They need an empty room big enough for the portal to manifest. They all agree the dungeon is the best place. Dean feels queasy and his knees nearly buckle when he enters the room. He’ll be okay if he doesn’t think about it. He’s here to get Cas back. So he doesn’t think about the teary goodbye, the words of truth, and his own voice silently screaming in his head to respond with something, anything.

“Ready?” Jack asks them all.

“No, but let’s do this,” Dean responds.

___

It’s clear almost immediately that something is horribly wrong. It’s loud, so loud, and Dean feels like a thousand bricks are sinking him below an endless reservoir of ocean water. He feels his body getting pulled in one direction, and sucked back another way. There’s no water, or wind, or anything though.

He thinks to himself, or maybe he prays, _Cas, where are you, buddy?_

He does not get an answer.

The sensation of wind and screaming and drowning go away though. He’s left standing on nothing. He’s not weightless but he reaches down and extends his arm further than his feet. He stands back up, startled. It's a blank emptiness.

He looks around and finds the portal, open, a window into the bunker. He then sees Sam and Eileen. They’re not doing well. Sam is down, passed out, twitching. Eileen is beside him, shaking him, but barely able to hold herself together. Dean doesn’t panic. He can’t panic. For whatever reason, they’re not recovering like he did.

Shit. They’re not going to make it, he thinks.

Dean scrambles over to them and kneels over Sam. Eileen is starting to fade and Dean realizes he needs to act fast. He grabs Eileen by the shoulder to get her attention. He motions towards the portal, and mouths, “Go!” She doesn’t move. Sam is a dead weight on the floor.

“The portal,” he signs. Eileen eventually indicates her understanding.

With all his effort, he moves around to loop Sam’s arm around his shoulder and hoists him up. He lifts Eileen with his other arm, and once standing she’s able to move on her own accord. Together, they’re able to get Sam back through the portal. There’s no time to explain, or signal what his plan is, so he prods Eileen through as well. The last thing he sees is her stunned face as Sam stirs on the floor, before turning and looking back into the black abyss.

He’s doing this alone then. A dread slithers its way around his insides and settles deep in his gut.

He starts walking. He barely makes a sound —as if an unshaped instinct is telling him that silence is best.

He walks for a long time. He talks to Cas in his mind. He doesn’t realize he’s doing it at first, but he finds it comforting. He feels there’s a purpose in it, mentally telling him things about Chuck and Jack. It keeps him occupied as he walks further and further into nothing. Eventually, he starts to apologize.

_I’m sorry, Cas. Please, you gotta hear me. Wake up, man._

He walks further into the dark and doesn’t stop for what feels like months. He sees nothing, hears nothing, and feels nothing. Eventually he stops and sits down. The reality of his situation is like a sinking stone in his gut. He does not cry. He begs and pleads in his mind though, desperate and hopeless.

_Castiel, please man, where are you? Can you hear me at all? Can you hear my prayers? I’ve come to take you home. Please._

He closes his eyes and sits for a beat.

_Please._

He swallows, composes himself, and stands once more. He realizes at that moment that he’ll walk for eternity to find him, and not regret it for a single second.

He takes a couple steps and stumbles over something in the dark. Something —or someone —is there with him. He turns around and gropes in the dark.

And then he sees it, the tan color. Cas’s trench coat. His heart leaps and his hands start to shake. He crawls closer and hovers over the angel on his knees. Cas is lying prone, his head turned away from Dean, asleep. Dean reaches for him, the whole time chanting…

_CasCasCasCasCas_

He reaches for Cas to pull him into his arms. As he touches him, the world turns and Dean’s whole sense of reality is upended.

____

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean looks around. He’s standing in deep mud by a lake that glistens, its surface as dark as oil. There’s a large forest behind him, ferns and other vegetation bloom all along the lake edge. Cas is next to him. He looks the same. His hair is mussed. His hands are in his trench coat. He’s looking at Dean with an indifferent smile on his face. Dean feels his insides crumple at the sight of Cas.

“Cas, where are we?”

The shock of finding himself in this new place is suddenly more captivating than locating Cas, and Dean stares at his surroundings wide-eyed.

“You’re in my memories, Dean,” Cas states simply.

“Okay, that doesn’t really answer things. I’m guessing we’re not in the Dagobah system, so where are we?”

“We’re on Earth about 375 million years from your time. I would come here to escape Heaven at times, watch the Earth form and change. Even during this era, I was fascinated with the world.” Cas starts to walk away from Dean, heading closer to the lake edge, his feet making a sucking noise with every step.

“Wait, Cas, I’ve…I’ve come to take you home.” Dean follows though.

Together they end up where the water laps gently onto smooth and untouched mud. A breeze picks up and Dean hears a faint rumble of thunder in the distance.

“That sounds like a nice idea, Dean.”

“C’mon, Cas. I don’t know what I’m doing here but I came to take you back to the bunker.”

Without responding, Cas continues to stare at the water in front of them. Dean notices air bubbles form. They get bigger and bigger until a slimy, serpentine creature emerges onto the land. Dean swallows, realizing what he’s witnessing.

The —what is it? It’s not a fish, he thinks —thing crawls a couple inches in the mud. Cas walks up to it and, before Dean can interfere or even call out, he steps on it. He smashes it into the earth, killing it.

Dean is shocked silent, and stares at Cas.

“If it brings you comfort, this was an accident and I don’t step on the next one.” He says it plainly.

Dean feels the ground shift and he realizes he’s heading for another vertigo induced trip. His head swims and the world swirls around him, with Cas disappearing into the chaos.

____

Dean comes to standing on a street in what appears to be suburban America. It’s dark out and the street is silent. He’s alone. He swivels around but doesn’t see Cas anywhere.

“Cas?” he shouts in a whisper.

The wind picks up and street garbage swirls into a mini-cyclone before petering out behind a pick-up truck. A dog barks in the distance and Dean feels a sense of dread. There’s an eerie solitude permeating the air around him. He glances down the street and hesitates over his next move. The door to the house in front of him opens, and Cas walks outside.

No. Not Cas. Dean sees how he walks and holds himself and knows in his soul that it is not Castiel. It takes him a moment before recognizing that it’s Jimmy. Jimmy Novak. The poor soul that Cas possessed so many years ago.

Jimmy walks outside and down the stairs of his front porch. He stands on his front walk and looks upwards. He starts talking to himself.

“Please, Castiel, just talk to me. What do you want from me?”

Dean watches and realizes what’s happening. This is the moment that Cas takes Jimmy as his vessel. Dean wants to stop it. Well, not really, but he’s uneasy knowing what happens to Jimmy and Amelia. He thinks of Claire and all the pain and struggles she went through before finding Jody. Would her life have been better with a stable family? Dean doesn’t know. She’s a fighter, and so independent. He isn’t sure how a devout Christian would handle a scrappy lesbian for a daughter and shakes his head to pay attention to what’s happening.

The sky starts to glow and Dean loses his train of thought.

“Yes, I understand. Promise my family will be okay and I'll do it...then, yes.” Jimmy accepts Castiel to possess him.

Dean watches the sky grow bright and the wind start to swirl. Dean watches Jimmy transform into Castiel. He knows him without a doubt. He stands on the walkway awkward, staring at his hand when the door opens. It’s Claire. She was so young. Dean aches for her.

“Dean, you’re still with me.”

Dean jumps and sees Cas standing beside him. He stares at him for a bit before turning back to the other Castiel, the one rejecting Claire.

“What’s happening here, Cas?” Dean wonders.

“What I did to the Novak family was one of the worst memories of my entire existence. I regret hurting Claire, and taking her family. I sometimes wish I could take it all back and just let them live.”

“Cas,” Dean breathes, reaching out to touch his shoulder. “What are we doing?” 

“I think you would describe this as the Groundhog Day of regrets maybe,” Cas responds. “We’re in my memories, but we’re only watching my worst memories over and over again.”

“What? Cas. We need to get out of here.” Dean pauses and realizes what Cas is telling him. He feels vertigo, but the earth doesn’t shift under him like before. “Are you telling me that you’re just reliving your worst memories over and over again —-for eternity?”

“Yes.” His voice holds no emotion, but Dean’s throat closes and he wants to hit something for Cas.

“How do we stop this?”

“I don’t think we can.” Cas’s voice is resigned.

The ground shifts once more.

____

They’re watching Dean rake leaves.

It takes him a moment to realize what they’re watching —other than the surreal feeling of watching himself from the past. They’re at his home with Lisa. This was the year when he lived with her, trying to find an impossible peace. Maybe it would have worked if Chuck wasn’t around, Dean thinks. He watches his other self for a moment and remembers. He remembers how lonely he was, how lost. He loved Lisa in a lot of ways, but it was doomed from the start.

He looks over at Cas. His shoulders are slumped and his face looks grim.

“Cas, this is my memory. What are we doing here?” Dean asks.

“This is also mine. I watched you, often. I’m sorry. I missed you, Dean. But I knew that you had found a home and a good woman to love. I was at war, and well, I cared too much for you to interrupt your new life.” he admits. He does not look at Dean.

“I would have helped you, y’know.” Dean feels a flair of anger swell, and doesn’t know why. This is a memory. There’s no changing it.

“I know.” Cas looks at Dean, and continues. “I loved you even then, Dean. It’s a waste to admit it now, I realize, but I would have done anything to protect you, allow you to live free.”

“All the good it did,” Dean scoffs.

“I realize that now. I realize all that I did to Heaven and Earth to win. I —I thought I was doing the right thing. I regret so much, Dean,” Cas confesses, his voice strained.

“We’ve been over this, Cas. I thought— I thought we’ve moved beyond this?” Dean is so confused, and his heart aches for Cas.

“I don’t think the Empty cares. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t regretful of every choice I made, every angel I killed, and the betrayal in your eyes when you finally learned the truth.” He sighs, licks his lips and looks over at the other Dean.

“Y’know I wasn’t all that happy here, right? I was trying, but I…missed you, too.” Dean should say more, but doesn’t. He blinks, and Crowley is standing next to Cas.

What is Crowley doing here, Dean wonders? This is part of Cas’s memory, and Dean grasps the importance of this particular moment.

“Crowley?” he implores. “This is when it started?”

“I’m sorry, Dean. This is painful in ways I can’t express. You shouldn’t have to witness this.”

Crowley speaks to Cas, oblivious to the fact that Cas is also talking with Dean. Dean wants to punch the smug bastard, tell him to leave Cas alone. He wants to run to his other self and shake him awake —make him stop Cas from leaving with the demon. He’s helpless though. He can only watch, silently, hopelessly.

He wonders how they can stop this. Cas doesn’t seem interested in finding an escape, which frustrates Dean to no end.

“Cas, we’ve got to find a way out of here. I’ve come to take you home. You gotta help me. Please.” His voice strains and his breath hitches.

The world starts to shift.

Dammit.

____

Dean has a surreal sense of being home and wonders for a half-second if his last pleas towards Cas worked. They are in the bunker. They are not home though, Dean discerns almost immediately.

They’re standing in the doorframe between the war room and the library. Cas, in his trench coat and complacent demeanor, stands beside him. They watch another Dean and Cas in the library. It takes Dean a moment to place the time again. They’ve had so many conversations in the library over the years. They’ve spent so much time together, and Dean's heart clenches at the thought of never having a moment with Cas ever again. This Cas, in this time, is wearing a green shirt and red hoodie, and Dean realizes it’s when he lost his grace and was human. He also realizes that this is the moment that he kicked Cas out of the bunker and his stomach drops.

“What are we watching this for, Cas?” There’s a hint of panic in his voice, and he looks over at Cas imploring for an answer.

“I…I,” Cas starts, blinks, and looks down embarrassed.

Dean grabs Cas’s shoulder and pulls him around so they are face to face. He swallows and silently pleads for Cas to answer him. Cas looks sideways at the scene again before he continues.

“I don’t think I’ve had a worse memory than this moment, Dean. The Empty, it knows everything, and it knows what will hurt angels and demons the most —me more than anyone else in this hopeless void, I’m guessing. I visit this memory more than all others.” Cas explains. Once he’s done he presses his lips together.

“Jesus, Cas.” Dean feels the tears pool, and he holds Cas’s coat just a little tighter. “I would do anything to take this back, anything! You gotta know that.”

“It doesn’t matter. These are all just memories. Nothing here is real.” Cas pulls away to watch the rest of the moment unfold.

Dean stands next to him dumbfounded, not knowing how to proceed or how to convince Cas to help him get them home. Dean feels the now familiar shift in reality and recognizes that it’s too late anyway. Wherever they land next, Dean needs to break Cas out of his apathy and find a solution to get them home.

____

They’re in his room now. The other Dean is sitting at his desk, staring at police scanners and tracking programs. The other Cas isn’t there though, and he looks to his own Cas for an answer. He’s turned away from Dean, watching the door, anticipating the next moment in the memory. A beat later, there’s a knock, and Cas —the other Cas—enters.

The mixtape.

Dean feels his cheeks flush from the memory. He made that thing after Cas nearly died from Michael’s lance, from their battle with Ramiel. After Cas told him he loved him the first time —when he couldn’t say a word or even look at him in return. He knew what those words meant back then, and he couldn’t acknowledge them. So, he made the tape for Cas. He thought that maybe when Cas traveled, when he was gone —he was always gone—that maybe he’d like to listen to something that reminded him of Dean. He thought that by giving a part of himself to Cas, he might make it clear that things were reciprocated.

Everyone knows what a mixtape means. Cas never said a word, and when he returned it, Dean came to the conclusion that angels didn’t know what the language of love means to humans.

Then he stole the Colt.

‘Wait, Cas, is this about the Colt?”

“Yes, Dean. I needed an excuse to come to your room. I never wanted to give that precious gift back, but, well, you were so mad at me. I didn’t think it meant what I thought it meant after all. I needed that gun as well. Two birds…”

_I didn’t think it meant what I thought it meant._

Dean feels sick realizing every wasted moment, every misunderstood conversation, every missed touch. They’ve been dancing around each other for so long. He needs to get Cas out of here. If he doesn’t they’ll both be lost in this spiral forever.

Dean gathers his thoughts and breathes deeply through his nose. He really has no clue how to save them, but watching this painful memory play out, it becomes less important than making it clear to Cas what he means to Dean, what he’s always meant to Dean. He grabs Cas’s hand loosely and tugs.

“Cas, you gotta look at me. Really look, man.” Cas turns towards Dean. His face is a passive shield. “You said before that none of this is real. We’re just watching memories again and again. These things happened though. You also once told me —when I was doubting reality pretty bad— that we were real. I didn’t get it then, but hear me, Cas. What we’re watching right now, this moment, was real for me too. I gave you that tape because I didn’t have the words to tell you how I felt.”

Dean pauses. He squeezes Cas’s hand and reaches out with his other hand, grazing the trench coat’s arm as he reaches. Cas turns to him fully, listening more carefully.

“How you felt?” Cas asks.

Finally, Dean sees a glimmer of interest in Cas’s eyes.

“Cas, I don’t know how we’re going to manage to get out of this cycle, but if I’m going to be spending eternity with you watching one bad memory after another, I want you know know that what we had back then, and what we have right now —you and me— is real. I love you, Cas.” Dean reaches for Cas’s face then, cupping his hands around him softly, pulling Cas in for a kiss, soft and light at first, but quickly intensifying the caress. Cas leans into him and Dean wraps his arms around him fully until their bodies are flush.

Dean eventually pulls back just enough to rest their foreheads together. He breaths Cas in and smiles.

“That was real.”

“Oh.”

Dean’s smile widens.

The ground starts to shift again, and Dean curses.

____

Dean finds himself in the pitch black void of the Empty again. He panics almost instantly and looks down to locate Cas. He’s not on the ground though. He’s standing right next to Dean, a look of worry etched on his own face.

He draws a quick finger across his lips, indicating for Dean not to make a sound. Then he darts his finger forward a couple of times. It’s time to move —before the Empty knows that Cas is awake. Cas takes Dean’s hand and they start walking. Dean has no clue where they’re going, but senses that Cas does. He follows him, eventually entwining their fingers, squeezing them on occasion to feel the flesh and bone, and know that Cas is there with him.

They walk for an eternity, but eventually find the portal. The walk didn’t seem as long with Cas by his side, but Dean still internally sighs with relief when they reach their destination. They made it. They walk through the portal and land together in the bunker.

____

Sam, Eileen, and Jack are all still there. Dean wonders if time moved differently in the Empty. He can’t ponder much else before his big moose of a brother sweeps him up into a hug. He and Cas are still holding hands so his arms lay limp at his sides while he feels the bone crushing weight surround him. He realizes soon after that Cas is right there in the hug. Sam has pulled them both close and doesn’t appear to want to let them go.

“Okay, okay, alright, c’mon. We’re good. We’re here.” Dean grumbles.

Sam does pull away then, and lightly taps Cas on the shoulder, smiling.

“You made it back! Oh my god! I can’t believe it.” Sam sweeps his hair back from his face and continues to stare in awe at Cas and his brother.

“Believe it,” Dean states. His voice is drowned out by the portal closing though, and he looks back as it quickly disappears.

He turns to look at Jack as he finishes the job. The kid did it —again. Cas lets go of Dean’s hand and walks over to Jack.

“Thank you, Jack.” Cas beams, a beatific smile shines on his face.

“Welcome home, Cas.” Jack returns, and they hug.

“Jack, there’s something…something more I was wondering about.” Cas looks at his once adopted son and squints.

Jack stares at him, and nods.

“Whatever you want, Castiel.” He then places his hands on Cas’s head. There’s an energy that builds between them and where Jack’s hands touch Cas’s head, it starts to glow white and blue. Dean wonders what is happening. He wants to stop it —fears that Cas will disappear again. The glow stops and Jack lowers his hands. In one of them, he’s holding a clear vial, swirling with grace inside. It’s on a chain and he places it around his neck.

“What just happened?” Dean asks.

“I gave up my grace, Dean. I don’t want it anymore.” Cas explains.

“Wait, wait, that...that never goes well. What about, y’know, not dying? What about not having a soul? What about…” Dean can’t get the words out fast enough and starts to spiral.

“It’s okay, Dean. Castiel wants to live as a human. His grace is with me now. I gave him a human soul.” Jack calmly explains.

Dean stares at Cas.

“I want to be where you are, Dean. I want to be with you, always, if you’ll have me.”

Dean, always lacking in words, takes the few steps to embrace Cas, pulling him in tight, and maybe muttering words of love and affection under his breath without realizing it.

Dean pulls away only when he hears the whistles and slow claps from the peanut gallery. He glares at Sam and Eileen. They grin devilishly back at him.

“Alright, enough,” he says.

“So, are we to assume true love saved the day?” Eileen teases.

Dean squints at her, ready for a quick rejoinder.

“Yes,” Cas responds, oblivious to Dean’s awkward behavior.

“How did this work though, Cas?” Dean is genuinely curious now.

“I don’t know. I think that our bond —our love is something unnatural to the Empty. It didn’t belong there. We didn’t belong there. Thank you for saving me, Dean.”

Dean flushes. He’d do it again, and again, forever if it meant keeping Cas safe and beside him. He smiles at Cas but refuses to make the moment more sappy than it already is.

“Okay, I’ve been walking in the pitch black nothing for a long ass time, let’s go make some waffles and drink some breakfast beer to celebrate.” Dean suggests.

They all happily agree, and head to the kitchen together.

____

5 Months Later

Dean wakes to a glaring bright sun. It’s horrifying. He squeezes his eyes shut trying to avoid the harsh reality of daylight. He feels a solid, warm presence behind him and reaches to pull his pillow over his head. It won’t move though. The solid, warm presence is also on the pillow.

Dean grumbles and flips over to his other side.

“Cas, move, I need my pillow,” he mumbles.

“Mmmmhhh, Dean,” Cas wakes, and mutters while he stretches up against Dean’s length. He wraps his arm around him tighter. “What are you doing up first? I thought I wore you out last night.”

“You did. The sun in this godforsaken room is too bright.” Dean burrows closer to Cas, nestling his head in the darkness between the pillow and Cas’s neck.

Cas leans over a bit and plants a sweet kiss on Dean’s forehead. They both breath peacefully for a couple of moments. Cas slides closer, rutting against Dean slightly, with no real intentions.

“If you wanted darkness, we could have stayed in the bunker. I like our bedroom, and our home.”

Dean’s stomach does somersaults. He likes it, too.

“You know I like it also. I work later at the bar tonight though. I shouldn’t have to be up so early.” He nibbles at Cas’s neck, feeling the beard stubble on his lips, tasting the salt and sweat, drowning in the need to be closer to Cas.

“Well, I’m heading over to help Sam and Eileen on a new case later, so I think we’re even.”

Cas slowly runs his hand over Dean’s lower back, and lower, grabbing his ass. Dean’s naked, they're both naked, and Dean starts to wake a bit more.

“What are you doing, Cas?” Dean hums, as he slowly trails kisses up Cas’s neck and jaw, eventually making his way to finding his lips.

“Mmmhhn, nothing. What are you doing?” Cas kneads Dean’s ass and slides his hand up to his lower back again.

He pulls back to look Dean in the eye or, well, his face since Dean refuses to even open his eyes in the light.

“Dean, look at me.” Cas demands.

Dean pops one eye open slowly and sees bright blue staring back at him. Dean opens his other eye. They look at each other, centimeters apart, breathing each other’s air, feeling each other’s warmth.

“I love you, Dean. So much.” Cas’s words are so earnest, so full of heart. Dean’s insides crack open a bit just hearing them.

He breaths in, and surges forward, kissing Cas. Their lips slide together. They revel in the moment, feeling each other, and being with each other. Dean slips his arm around Cas and makes slow, reverent circles on his back, basking in being with the man he loves.

“Cas, being with you now, in our new life, this is the best memory for me,” Dean says. He thinks it’s cheesy, but means it.

“I know.”

They continue to kiss and smile, and share soft touches far into the late morning, enjoying each other, knowing they have their whole lives to be together, and happy.


End file.
